Mike D'Antoni = D-Bag

Mike D'Antoni should be coaching the Bulls. Their roster fits his offensive system better than the Knicks. They're 2-3 years closer than the Knicks to competing in the Conference Finals. And look at that stash -- pure Chicago.

But the Knicks offered more money, proving, once again, that capitalism is friggin' awesome, and way more important than championship rings and working in a city where the entire waterfront is public property, "forever open, clear and free."

Good luck with Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry.

Hugo Chavez says: Castro predicted fall of dollar; Also, that I would forget to call my parents last weekend.

File under: Duh.

The dollar could never sustain its monolithic standing as the premiere currency of the world, especially as we near the globalised utopia as envisioned by Thomas Friedman and Ronald McDonald. I bet Fidel also predicted that the Roman Empire would one day come to a terrible end at the hands of the Vandals and Visigoths.

But Chavez couldn't just stick with the obvious: "I think if things continue on like this in the United States, we'll have to start preparing to receive the refugees here."

Oh that crazy, old codger. Refugee camp, here I come!

When Brands Collide

Brady and Manning Meet in Battle of the Brands (NY Times)

Just hours away from the big Colts-Patriots game, and with all the hoopla surrounding these teams, it keeps coming down to two players -- Manning vs. Brady. Which is just how their respective sponsors would have it.

So are you a Peyton Man or a Brady Man? MasterCard and Sprint? Or Stetson cologne and ridiculously expensive watches? The last watch I bought was $8.97 at Wal-Mart, so you probably already know whose camp I fall into.

For as good as Brady is, he just seems a little too good. A little too rugged. A little too pretty. And, at least in his advertising persona, a little too devoid of anything resembling a sense of humor.



Honestly, how can you even begin to like him when he does this shit? Either he's a complete tool-bag, or one of the most ironically hilarious guys on the planet. And I get the feeling this cowboy doesn't do irony.

Manning, on the other hand, has got funny coming out the wazoo. In that old test of a presidential candidate's relatability, he's the guy you'd rather have a beer with. And, unlike Mr. Stetson up there, he refuses to take himself seriously.



Come on. It's not even a contest. So I guess it's no coincidence that the closest thing I have to a watch nowadays is my phone, courtesy of Sprint mobile. Thanks, Peyton. And thank you, Corporate America, for targeting my humor and my wallet so deliberately. Your check is in the mail.

Take That Villainy!

Sticking with the P-Fork theme:

Kim Gordon: Starbucks "Less Evil Than Universal"

Sure, why not.

Starbucks Hates Africans!

Okay, that's not really true. I just like typing scandalous headlines. But it is true that Starbucks make millions, perhaps billions, exploiting coffee growers across our fair blue-green planet, and must be stopped at all costs, up to, and including, dumping coffee from the cup into the trash because even when you ask for "room for cream" they still give you way too much coffee and not enough room for cream. Oh yeah, I'm a damn-hell-ass rebel.

But seriously, if we can, Starbucks is making truckloads of money off of Ethiopian beans, using the nation of Ethiopia as a selling point, and Ethiopia, naturally, wants a piece of the action. Starbucks would probably acquiesce, were Ethiopia not asking for such a huge chunk of said action. Country vs. Company! Oh yeah!

To be fair, Starbucks is a huge buyer of Fair Trade coffee, and that's dandy. But Fair Trade growers are still at the mercy of the buyer. They don't demand a price. They get the "fair" value only if they can find someone nice enough to buy it. Were Ethiopian farmers (or more accurately, the nation) allowed to trademark coffee exports that specifically come from their nation, they could set the price for buyers to use their trademarked beans.

Of course, Starbucks' lawyers don't see it that way. And that's what this'll come down to. The lawyers of the Starbucktopia vs. Ethiopia, which placed 170th out of 177 countries in a recent UN ranking of human development. That doesn't necessarily mean Ethiopians can't afford a good lawyer for themselves, it just means that their farmers need a leg up in the market. Fair Trade? That's nice. But owning the name of the coffee you sweat and toil over? That's fair.

p.s. FYI, those are coffee cherries above, what the coffee bean looks like before being dried and roasted. You learn something new every day! Go tell your friends! Start a revolution!