Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Re-Introductions and Resolutions

Okay, so this is a first for me. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing here, but I do know why. And that's a start.

What's in my head is a funny thing. I once told a friend that I was the most depraved person I know, just because I live with every thought and image that's ever gone through my mind. It's one thing to read about someone who murdered regular people with a rifle around Washington D.C. But it's an immediate and intimate experience witnessing the things that pass through our minds. It can be a thing of inexpressible ugliness. It can be frightening.

But I've also got to admit that it can be a thing of indescribable beauty. I was talking to another friend today about the things we're able to do in dreams that we have no knowledge of in waking life. I've been expert in Ugandan affairs, arguing for things that made so much sense in my dreams, pulling out facts and figures to prove my point. I've played guitar for some crappy rock band, soloing myself into an ego driven stupor, alive with sweat and glory in front of thousands of screaming fans. I've flown. Planes, helicopters, space craft, or with none of the above. I knew how to do these things.

But even in waking life I have these incredible moments that depravity cannot touch. I want to say I guess that's what it means to be human. This struggle between what I am, what I was, and what I'm becoming. But I really can't.

Maybe depravity is there, sitting just around the corner, simply to remind me where I've come from. Maybe it's there to taunt me, another reminder, but this time of who I still am. Maybe it's just there because we fucked up, and there's no going back. Or maybe it's grace, disguised as something more sinister, spurring us onto something even greater.

Where that all came from, I don't know.

All that to say, this is the last day of 2003. The first day of this new thing. My name is Jonny Rice, I live in Montana, I want to be happy, I need to be content.

So here we go....

Tuesday, December 30, 2003


Okay, so we're getting there. Almost...