O Pioneers!

Three things that make me happy:

1) My old, worn copy of the The Hobbit
2) Over the Rhine's Doggy Album
3) When people call Asia "the Orient"

(Is number three an okay thing to like these days? I sure hope so...)

Three things that make me sad:

1) Certain deceased persons in the Harry Potter world
2) Certain girls, living in other states, with boyfriends that are not me
3) Certain kids, in Montana, whom I can't visit due to my sudden attempts to "act responsible"

And yay, a seventh thing that is abominable to the LORD thy God:

7) Two straight days with no warm/hot water in my apartment building -- cold showers, like Haiti, only less exotic.

And we are stronger because of it.

Intonation comes to my doorstep.

This is my advice column today, because I have got tons of advice to dispense.

1. Listen Carefully -- Because music sounds much better this way.

2. Hold Open Doors -- This applies to everyone, regardless of gender, for both the door holder and the door holdee. It's just nice. And unlike other nice things, it's totally free.

3. Eat Sandwiches -- There is no better culinary invention than the sandwich. Except maybe the taco. But that's it.

4. Ride Trains -- Better than cars. Not quite as good as walking. Equal to rickshaws.

5. Read Harry Potter -- Because Christ figures with lightening bolt scars and no regard for the rules should totally rock your world.

Also, be wise like serpents, gentle like lambs, and don't ever eat eagles. That's about the most evil thing I can come up with. And only sick bastards would do it.

So don't.