Republican Jesus

Republican Jesus can’t get enough money. He remembers saying once, “Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s,” but he had his press secretary retract that statement long ago. Campaign promises don’t always stick once one hits Washington, and it’s easy to say those kinds of things when you’re poor yourself. But once Republican Jesus found capitalism, he never looked back. Tax free since 2003!

Republican Jesus can’t understand why minorities keep complaining. Why don’t they just put their nose to the grindstone and make their own fortune, just like his dad did? It can’t be all that hard to make money. Otherwise, there’s no way his dad would have ever gotten sooo rich.

While he doesn’t mention it too often, Republican Jesus doesn’t believe in taxes. He thinks they’re an imposition on his liberty. All those people in all those wars died for him to keep his money, so that the atheists wouldn’t force him to turn it all over to some totalitarian crazy. Man, those guys sure were great!

Republican Jesus is not stupid. He knows how to invest his money. It's not about what you know, it’s about who you know. And boy does he know the right people to help him get rid of all those stocks before they tank. Plus, he’s got the lawyers on hand to prove that he never really knew those people in the first place, and never knowingly received such information from them, and can’t recall why exactly he got rid of his stock right before it plunged, but he’s very sure there was no criminal wrong doing involved. Unless of course it was his accounting firm's fault, which he will testify against if it gets him off the hook. What a guy!

And jiminey-christmas does Republican Jesus hate gay people! Sure, he knows he’s supposed to love them, but it’s so hard when there’s all that hot man-on-man action all over the internet. He can’t believe they allow those people to teach at public schools, and he’s sure as hell glad that they got kicked out of the Boy Scouts. He knows that all homos are pedophiles, and want to get their hands all over little boys. And he definitely knows that if they start getting married, all the kids in America will automatically become homos and lesbians, and there will be gay sex everyone in America, even on PAX.

Republican Jesus realizes that he can’t get into office with just his rich, white friends; he needs poor white friends, too! So he had his advisers come up with a great way to convince people that tax cuts for his friends mean more money for all white people. It’s his supply side Gospel, and it’s sure a lot more fun than his first Gospel. Man, that one was a downer!

But even trickle down economics doesn’t convince everyone. Republican Jesus doesn’t even understand how it works, so how are the poor people supposed to?!? So Republican Jesus is sure to point out how middle class Americans come out like robbers after Republican tax cuts, and how all those farming families will never lose their farms when they’re parents die, and how it’s total communism to have to pay tax dividends! I mean, come on, taxing income twice? That’s be like having to pay income tax and sales tax! No one would be, oh wait....

Republican Jesus likes war. Once upon a time, Republican Jesus was an isolationist. Then, the godless, communist disciples of Karl Marx drew him out of his shell, and he really went after them all across the globe, even in total shit-holes like Vietnam! But ever since the Iron Curtain fell, he’s been a little frustrated. Enter 9/11! Now Republican Jesus can attack any country he wants and justify it on grounds of pre-emption. Just War indeed -- take your pick!

Republican Jesus is a little shell-shocked that his guys won the election. How did he manage to piss off everyone in the world and still get so many people to vote for him? Oh that’s right, the flaming homos and the dead babies! He knew that if he blamed the other guys for the flaming homos and the dead babies, all those red states would vote for him. Man is he smart!