Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Musings Before The Storm

If you ever feel like you are about to be fired, do this one thing. Make eye contact. Maybe lean back in your chair, too. But most definitely make eye contact. One of three things will follow.

A) Your confidence will get you nothing. You are still fired, but with the mutual understanding that is was the best for both of you. A good reference should follow, so it's really not nothing. Just not ideal. Plato would agree.

B) Your eyes will talk them out of it. If you can make the conversation embarrassing for them by constant eye contact, they might chicken out. It must be noted, this is under the assumption that one does not wish to get fired. If this is not the case, just get up and walk out. You could try crying and swearing at the top of your lungs, too. That would be memorable. Especially if someone had a camera.

C) Maybe you're not really going to get fired, but your eye contact will assure your supervisor that you understand the situation, grave as it may seem, and that you are interested in fixing it (whether or not this is really the case). Constant eye contact moves the person opposite you to glance around. So it's kind of like a staring contest. Only with consequences.

Sub-collary, leaning back in the chair works only in the initial part of the conversation. It says that you are relaxed even if your supervisor is not. It makes sure you do not start out on the defensive. It says, "Look, I think what you have to say is great, but seriously, I've got alot to do around here without you bothering me. Plus, you bore me. And I don't like your tie. It is ugly. Also, I am soooo relaxed. You should try it sometime. Stupid."

On a totally different topic, I believe our President is giving the State of the Union address tonight. For once, I'd like a President to say to Congress, the Senate, the Cabinet, and the Justices of the Supreme Court, quote, "...it is my great displeasure to stand before you and announce that the State of the Union is fair to middling." That would be entertaining. And honest. Kind of like the O'Reilly Factor, but totally opposite.

Finally, I am quite ready for spring. I feel like a cast member in a bad Woody Allen member (like Deconstructing Harry). Right now, around the beginning of the third act, everything seems bleak. Everyone knows that problems are unsolvable during a New York winter. But once spring comes, things will fall into place and I will get the girl. "It's these gray days," quoth Bill Pullman.

Central Park in the spring....these things take time. Luckily, I have much to go around.

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