Around the World in [insert witty time-related comment here]

Ahoy maties! Join me as we take a peak around our fine-fangled globe. Let's do it.

First up, Africa! AIDS keeps on truckin' through this continent, leaving marketers scratching their heads in confusion. The UN AIDS Epidemic Update is estimating that an additional 3.1 million Africans will contract HIV over the next 365 days. Millions of Africans are still unaware of how HIV is contracted, and many more believe it can only be contracted from homosexuals and prostitutes! Not to mention the fact that some African males don't want to give up their sexual virility by entering into monogamous relationships. In the words of Grandpa Rice, "Oh boy..."

A hop-skip-and-a-jump-away to the Middle East, prisoners are running for public office! Marwan Barghouti, a Palestinian in prison for attacks that killed 26 Israelis, has declared his candidacy for president in an election to replace the late Yasser Arafat. This coming at a time when Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is clinging desperately to his majority in Israel's parliament.

But at least they don't have to worry about the Nazis, who are gaining small chunks of power in Germany. Apparently, the Third Reich is making a humble comeback in the land of beer and brauts. I don't even know what to say, other than whatthef!?!

And if you think I've got problems, take a gander at China! Someone forgot to mention this (my employer), and I can't understand why (money), because it's seems like a big deal (capital), and there's no reason for we here in America to ignore it (cheap labor), but some 4,500 mine workers have died in China over the past year. That's not a typo. 4,500! It's a good thing the Bush Administration and the U.N. keep such a tight reign on human rights violations in that country....Oh wait, I must have nodded off. It's official policy in the West to do nothing about China, otherwise we might not have enough cheap crap to sell on the day after Thanksgiving. Thank goodness for "looks-the-other-way" Bush!

Speaking of our homeland, we all know about how Carlos M. Gutierrez has been nominated as Bush's next secretary of commerce. No beef against Gutierrez, but if you read the fine print, you'll see that a number of top-flight economists have declined to join the Bush administration's economic team due to the fact that historically, they haven't had a hand in shaping policy, only rah-rah-rooting for policy set from on high. In other words, Bush doesn't want smart people with new ideas, he wants cheerleaders who will defend his policies, no matter how ludicrous they may seem!

Finally, if you read this before 6:30 EST (5:30 CST), make your way over to the NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw, as he spends his last night behind the anchor desk. The man is a peach; send him out with a bang.

Thanks for taking a trip on the old J-train (take that Toby Mac), and enjoy the rest of your day at Cedar Point, America's roller coast!